#1, #2, or #3

Here are 3 versions of the haiku poem I posted last week. No need to read the original post. Just pick one of the 3 here 🙂

#1
a million falling
stars at once, filling the sky,
hands catch the hot ash

#2
a million falling
stars at once, filling the sky,
the ash they leave us

#3
what dreams may come

A million falling stars
at once, like angels they light
the sky against darkness, but some
thing is wrong. Unlike angels they burn.
Open your hands. You can already
feel, maybe taste,
the hot ash.

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23 thoughts on “#1, #2, or #3

    • Thanks, Bonnie! That’s what I need to know. Fyi: I’m a faithful follower of the Chicago Manual of Style in this regard. I don’t have it handy, but I know that they had a list of traditional rules, and the last one in the list was this: “Break a rule if it doesn’t work” — a great guideline for life as well as for writing!

      Liked by 1 person

      • The bottom line is you’re the writer, the poet. And the words and structure and the emotions are yours to share as you wish. If rules weren’t meant to be broken, modernized, and experimented with, we’d still be seeing cave drawings as high art.

        Liked by 1 person

        • And one of the nice things about experimenting and sharing — my poems, at least when they work, pull out a range of emotions well beyond my own. I was recently a guest on an online book club for one of my novels, and I swear I learned more about the hidden strata of my novel from them than they did from me 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

  1. I vote for #1, but I’d remove the “the” from the last line: the THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP effect seems just right. Of course that leaves us one syllable short. Perhaps “hands cupped catch hot ash”? – “c h c h” thumps and then relief with the soft tones of “ash” that carry on for a second.
    But the first two lines seem weak to me, because they’re just ordinary, almost trite, although they do the job of setting up the reader to understand the third line.

    a million falling
    stars at once, filling the sky,
    cupped hands catch hot ash

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Kate. I didn’t have a preset impression I was trying to give — just playing with each to see what worked, each in its own right. I’ll still put you down for #3 🙂 Gary

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  3. I really like the #1 and the #3 one….the first one seems like the words you are actually writing down on paper and the last one displays what is actually going on inside one’s mind!

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