First Reflection (second step)

Thanks to readers who helped me with the first draft. Everyone liked Ver. 1 of the first stanza. Easy. Votes leaned toward the last line of Ver. 2, less conclusively. I dropped it on my sister’s painting and now have 3 versions of the last line, if anyone still wants to vote.

 

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First Reflection (voting is open)

#1 or #2

First reflection

deep in the night
lantern on a pier
lit and trembling
dark waves below

a voice, a shiver, a passing cloud,
a house with a garden
I can barely see

First reflection

deep in the night
lantern on a pier
lit and trembling
water at the base

a voice, a shiver, a passing cloud,
a house with a garden
I can barely trace

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Kyoto haikus

.  road to okini

the old woman stoops
weight of a thousand worries
she turns to and smiles

.  otagi-nenbutsu

stone buddhas pepper
the field, the temple, two claps
bend into a bow

.  gioji

a river, a wooden teahouse,
a painted face in the window
a princess worn and awaiting
a bamboo hewer’s return

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Just kill me

Everyone liked the second version of my previous slant haiku. JMN and Isha in particular liked the firmer closure. I think their observations were correct. As I was finalizing, though, I realized that they had enlightened me in reverse. I wanted a little opening in that closure, a little space for melancholia to leak in. But I did not want to revert to the rejected draft. So for now I have this. Just kill me.

or cp.

Addendum: I just re-read them and now I like the one everyone chose last time the best. Forgive me.

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Which is best (Haiku #1 or Haiku #2)?

Two versions of a slant haiku. Please pick one.

Little Tokyo

cherry blossom float and scent
night boat on moonlit water
your second thoughts

Little Tokyo

cherry blossom float and scent
night boat on moonlit water
no second thoughts

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Which drops?

A little slant haiku. Which do you prefer? The first one (“my”), which orients the field more personally, or the second one (“a”), which orients the field more philosophically/metaphysically?

you
are the rain
drops

falling
on my stone
pillow

xxxx

you
are the rain
drops

falling
on a stone
pillow

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