Thanks to readers who helped me with the first draft. Everyone liked Ver. 1 of the first stanza. Easy. Votes leaned toward the last line of Ver. 2, less conclusively. I dropped it on my sister’s painting and now have 3 versions of the last line, if anyone still wants to vote.
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#1 or #2
First reflection
deep in the night
lantern on a pier
lit and trembling
dark waves below
a voice, a shiver, a passing cloud,
a house with a garden
I can barely see
First reflection
deep in the night
lantern on a pier
lit and trembling
water at the base
a voice, a shiver, a passing cloud,
a house with a garden
I can barely trace
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scattering of stars
the sound of running water
three doubts forged in fire
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. road to okini
the old woman stoops
weight of a thousand worries
she turns to and smiles
. otagi-nenbutsu
stone buddhas pepper
the field, the temple, two claps
bend into a bow
. gioji
a river, a wooden teahouse,
a painted face in the window
a princess worn and awaiting
a bamboo hewer’s return
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Everyone liked the second version of my previous slant haiku. JMN and Isha in particular liked the firmer closure. I think their observations were correct. As I was finalizing, though, I realized that they had enlightened me in reverse. I wanted a little opening in that closure, a little space for melancholia to leak in. But I did not want to revert to the rejected draft. So for now I have this. Just kill me.
or cp.
Addendum: I just re-read them and now I like the one everyone chose last time the best. Forgive me.
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Two versions of a slant haiku. Please pick one.
Little Tokyo
cherry blossom float and scent
night boat on moonlit water
your second thoughts
Little Tokyo
cherry blossom float and scent
night boat on moonlit water
no second thoughts
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From Berlin, 05/01/22
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A little slant haiku. Which do you prefer? The first one (“my”), which orients the field more personally, or the second one (“a”), which orients the field more philosophically/metaphysically?
you
are the rain
drops
falling
on my stone
pillow
xxxx
you
are the rain
drops
falling
on a stone
pillow
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From Wroclaw, Poland, 04/24/22
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shakemyheadhollow 