Doormats in Love

Posted on by

I confess it. I’m a doormat in love. The good news is, there’s nothing cringy about my doormat status. I boldly embrace my identity as doormat. The oft-heard dictum that you should not be a doormat in love is, to me, wrong-headed. Catastrophically so.

First, a working definition. By “doormat,” I mean you tend to do, where possible, whatever your partner asks. You don’t question whether they are taking advantage or being unfair or…. You just do it. Not because it’s fair or justified, but because it makes them happy. This is a variant of unconditional love: you don’t care about what they deserve; you only care about what makes them happy.

Sure, there are risks to being a doormat. You may well get burned from time to time. If your top priority is NOT to be taken advantage of, NOT to be disrespected, etc., then the doormat identity is not for you. But there is a tradeoff. You can watch closely to make sure your partner is not stepping over the line, and this will indeed keep them on the straight and narrow, but the cost is less openness and more caution in the relationship – each side monitoring at least a little bit to make sure they are getting their fair share in the relationship, each side knowing if they say or do too much that falls outside of the prescribed scope, they will be called on it, each side being careful about what they say and do.

If the risk of the doormat identity is that you may (and probably will) get burned from time to time, the gain is in the potential for a much deeper relationship – where all the doors and windows are open between you, no hesitation, no fear of saying the wrong thing, knowing that the other person is not monitoring whether you “deserve” their love, knowing that the flow of love is unconditional.

Obviously, this doesn’t work if one person is a doormat and the other is a bully. But the ethical failure in that case is wholly on the side of the bully. 100%. Anything less is no better than blaming the robbery victim for leaving the door unlocked or blaming the rape victim for dressing a certain way. No, the person who commits the injustice is 100% responsible for the injustice.

But if both our young lovers are doormats, then, ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner! The trust, the love blows away all conditionals and becomes so deep that there is no longer a bottom. So to any of my friends and foes, to any of my confederates and combatants in the grand dialectic who want to be pushed and challenged and held to a standard in love, I say it’s time to come around and face the facts: Happiness is two doormats in love.

 

* * * Click covers for links * * *

        BookCoverImage    

12 thoughts on “Doormats in Love”

  3. There are also people they believe paradise can be found on earth. I am still waiting for someone pointing out the direction towards it. No, happiness had never been part of the equation, some enjoyable pragmatism at the most, but it never deterred my fascination for the other sex.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply ↓

    • Hey Michael. I never found paradise but I’ve found a lot of happiness in life. On second thought, the pueblos mágicos here in central Mexico might actually be paradise 🙂 Per your waiting for someone to point the way to happiness, I’m reminded of what Somerset Maugham said when someone asked about writing great novels: “There are 3 rules to writing a great novel; unfortunately, no one knows what they are” 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply ↓

  4. Gary,
    What nonsense? Have you been drinking the water in Mexico or smoking loco weed? If you are a doormat in love which direction, if any, are you growing? Seems like you are letting someone else chart your course in life, its parameters, and, perhaps, even giving them responsibility for your life and its direction. Seems like a cop out. By the way a dog could also serve the same role as your doormat (provided you feed it and train it) From experience, a cat would not work.

    Seriously old friend, I think the efficacy of what you outlines depends on what one wants out of a relationship. If all you want is companionship—someone to watch TV with, travel with, etc. to never have any emotional conflict with, maybe it can work— for a while, though not for me. But if you want to tear apart ideas, plumb the depths of psychological issues and learn about what makes you and your partner the way they are, your way seems like a dead end (Of course you knew I would disagree with you on this!). Remember the lotus blossom grows in mud not an empty pot.

    And the love you believe you convey by being a doormat can just as easily come across as apathy. I don’t know many women who would respect, long term, someone they can walk all over. (This may say something about the women I have known in life—I still have the scars) If that is really what you want, perhaps, you should consider a master servant relationship! I understand there are some shops in the French Quarter where you could buy the appropriate outfits—assuming your partner approved of the selections!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply ↓

    • Hahaha. Combatants in the grand dialectic indeed. What you want is personal growth through confrontation. Which is fine, if that’s what you want. Your partner is a tool in your personal growth agenda. I get it. And you can have a moderately deep relationship on those terms, but, sadly, you will never feel the full depth of a relationship where all barriers are relaxed.

      I am looking not so much for personal growth but for connection. And the deepest connection comes when all that confrontational nonsense you treasure is removed and you can relax 100% into the soul of your partner.

      I forgive you, though, and blame your hot-blooded Sicilian genetics.

      Like

      Reply ↓

  5. And despite the erudite nature of your doormat theory and the rage in mine—we are both single. Go figure! As Bukowski wrote about relationships: “I’ve learned to feel good when I feel good. It’s better to be driven around in a red Porsche than to own one. The luck of the fool is inviolate.”

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply ↓

Leave a comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.