The bench and the lantern

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high above the pueblo we walk
awaiting the late night rain

scrub oak and cactus sprawl
three musicians appear

on a bench on a tiny plaza
we dance, we part, we hear

a door closing a market stall
while far far below

in the halo mist of the pueblo
a figure stops to light

a lantern that flashes red and gold
and brings us back to touch

one more time
as the first
drops fall

(alternate title: As the first drops fall)

Any votes for original (“The bench and the lanterns”) vs. alternate (“As the first drops fall”) title?

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23 thoughts on “The bench and the lantern”

  1. Of those two choices, I think “As the first drops fall” is more intriguing but, if I may make a suggestion, how about making the title “High Above the Pueblo” and your first stanza is “We walk
    awaiting / the late night rain” ?

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply ↓

    • Thanks, Diana. Per feedback from you and others, I’ve eliminated “The bench and the lantern” in favor of “As the first drop falls.” Now I’m torn between that and the suggestions of Bartholomew Barker in the comments, which may further stimulate some minor revisions in the text.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply ↓

        • Btw, here’s the version updated to accommodate Bartholomew’s sugg:

          High above the pueblo

          stone to stone we peck and walk
          awaiting the late night rain

          scrub oak and cactus sprawl
          three musicians appear

          on a bench on a tiny plaza
          we dance, we part, we hear

          a door closing a market stall
          while far far below

          in the halo mist of the pueblo
          a figure stops to light

          a lantern that flashes red and gold
          and brings us back to touch

          palm to palm, stone to stone
          as the first
          drops
          fall

          It’s either this or the original with the alt. title (“As the first drops fall”).

          Liked by 1 person

          Reply ↓

          • I really like this one! I love the echo. “Peck” is a tricky word since it can have several different meaning – eat, kiss, bicker, or physically harm. It has a significant impact on the tone. Since you’re open to suggestions, it’s a word that you might reconsider. Otherwise, simply splended. 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

            Reply ↓

            • Thanks, Diana. I have been known on rare occasions to use a word where the sound fits the audible sculpture, leaving the meaning to redefine itself accordingly. Outside of something like “Jabberwocky,” this must be done sparingly if at all. But is this ever a legit purpose of poetry — to create a sculpture in sound where some of the words’ meanings must migrate from their traditional roots and create themselves anew within the new sculpture of sound? I am honestly not sure, but it’s fun to try. On the other hand, if it creates too much dissonance for the reader, it fails, so that’s also something I need to consider going forward here. Hmm… Thanks for making me think about it 🙂

              Liked by 1 person

              Reply ↓

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