high above the pueblo we walk
awaiting the late night rain
scrub oak and cactus sprawl
three musicians appear
on a bench on a tiny plaza
we dance, we part, we hear
a door closing a market stall
while far far below
in the halo mist of the pueblo
a figure stops to light
a lantern that flashes red and gold
and brings us back to touch
one more time
as the first
drops fall
(alternate title: As the first drops fall)
Any votes for original (“The bench and the lanterns”) vs. alternate (“As the first drops fall”) title?
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Of those two choices, I think “As the first drops fall” is more intriguing but, if I may make a suggestion, how about making the title “High Above the Pueblo” and your first stanza is “We walk
awaiting / the late night rain” ?
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Yes, I think I like that better. I will send the new options out to my inside reviewers 🙂
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Gorgeous. I like the “As the first drops fall” title option. The phrasing of this one is perfect.
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Thanks, K!
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Enjoyed! I do think “as the first drops fall” is very poetic sounding. 🤩
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You’re in good company, Tricia. All my poet friends prefer that one (or Bartholomew’s recommendation) 🙂
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Some of my titles are poetic, but some rather plain. It’s the vibe you want to get across from the start! 💓
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Very well done Gary!
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Thanks, Helena 🙂
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Lovely poem! I live in the Southwest so I can easily relate to it!
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Thanks, Dawn. I was thinking of Mexico (extension of a similar geographic 🙂 )
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How lovely. I love the mood of this. It feels like summer. And my vote for the title is “As the first drops fall.” That’s a beautiful line.
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Thanks, Diana. Per feedback from you and others, I’ve eliminated “The bench and the lantern” in favor of “As the first drop falls.” Now I’m torn between that and the suggestions of Bartholomew Barker in the comments, which may further stimulate some minor revisions in the text.
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🙂 I love the creative spirit!
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Btw, here’s the version updated to accommodate Bartholomew’s sugg:
High above the pueblo
stone to stone we peck and walk
awaiting the late night rain
scrub oak and cactus sprawl
three musicians appear
on a bench on a tiny plaza
we dance, we part, we hear
a door closing a market stall
while far far below
in the halo mist of the pueblo
a figure stops to light
a lantern that flashes red and gold
and brings us back to touch
palm to palm, stone to stone
as the first
drops
fall
It’s either this or the original with the alt. title (“As the first drops fall”).
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I really like this one! I love the echo. “Peck” is a tricky word since it can have several different meaning – eat, kiss, bicker, or physically harm. It has a significant impact on the tone. Since you’re open to suggestions, it’s a word that you might reconsider. Otherwise, simply splended. 🙂
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Thanks, Diana. I have been known on rare occasions to use a word where the sound fits the audible sculpture, leaving the meaning to redefine itself accordingly. Outside of something like “Jabberwocky,” this must be done sparingly if at all. But is this ever a legit purpose of poetry — to create a sculpture in sound where some of the words’ meanings must migrate from their traditional roots and create themselves anew within the new sculpture of sound? I am honestly not sure, but it’s fun to try. On the other hand, if it creates too much dissonance for the reader, it fails, so that’s also something I need to consider going forward here. Hmm… Thanks for making me think about it 🙂
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🙂
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Beautiful!
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Thanks, Dianne! Gary
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