Breaking News on Trump

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Of gas stoves and football helmets

I couldn’t care less about what will one day be known as The Amazing 2023 Gas Stove Incident, in which the feds consider banning gas stoves, except that it’s a segue to my own safety pet peeve: cars. Everyone knows that car accidents are a leading cause of death and of traumatic brain injury. Every sane person must also know that wearing football helmets while driving would reduce these deaths and brain injuries. So why no mandate for football helmets? We could argue about percentages, but that some lives would be saved is indisputable. And think of the savings in hospitalization. Not to mention the carbon footprint of all those ambulances and hospital machines using up resources to keep brain damaged accident victims alive. I’d start a Change.org petition if I could figure out how. Meanwhile, please ramp up the buzz:

MANDATED FOOTBALL HELMETS IN CARS!

Rest assured. If I sustain a head injury in an auto accident, I will sue my local, state, and federal government for their negligence in not forcing me to wear my helmet. And in the continued spirit of civic zeal, I will spend every penny of my settlement not on myself but on my next public safety project – rubber bumpers on cowboy boots – you know, the kind of bumpers they use for kids in bowling alleys. Why? As a sometime hippie in a honky tonk, I can tell you those damn boots can do real harm. Well, maybe not as much real harm as the harmful words Stanford has recently vowed to eliminate, but to be fair, any physical violence would fall short of the carnage caused by such words as “walk-in,” “tone deaf,” “submit,” “field” and “you guys” – all on the Stanford chopping block. My “boots with bumpers” law may not save as many people from harm as Stanford’s forbidden words list, but if it saves even one stray hippie from hospitalization or death, isn’t one life worth it?

Until next time . . .

BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY!

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Wokeness under threat (or, gravity is a fascist)

One thing wokeness has opened our eyes to is collective guilt. All males are complicit in rape culture.¹ All whites are complicit in white supremacy.² Individuals are not responsible for crimes; they are just acting out the values of their culture. Extend the logic and you will see that when a black man commits a crime, the blame falls on black culture, in which all blacks are complicit; and when an Islamic terrorist strikes, all Moslems are complicit. And here’s a valuable addition for my woke brothers and sisters. I have recently discovered that women and gay people also commit crimes. Extend the collective guilt logic to those groups and, well, we are back in medieval times, where we are all going to hell in a handbasket, without a grim Calvin to save us.

Now that we have reached this pinnacle of religious truth, however, wokers beware! You are under threat. And it’s not conservatives you need to fear. There is an army of scientists and public intellectuals of the liberal sort – Steven Pinker and Jerry Coyne, John McWhorter and Glenn Loury – who are trying to turn us back. Even Obama and Noam Chomsky have taken liberal positions against wokeness. One vile woman is going so far as to twist the Diversity Training Industry away from its proper us-vs-them focus with whites in one box (racists) and blacks in another (victims) into a false narrative that “invite[s] our clients to explore what connects them as human beings.”

In 2021, we are finally moving past the age of so-called Enlightenment. We are finally getting back to where tribal biases can overrule the universal truths and universal rights associated with science and Enlightenment thinking, finally getting back to where tribal identity takes precedence over the idea of shared humanness. We’ve worked long and hard since the 1980s to integrate this neo-medieval world view into our academic, social, and political infrastructure. Don’t let them give us a neo-Enlightenment. Don’t let them put us back into the chains of scientific truth. These are the people who would deny that gravity is a fascist, even though it is plain to see that gravity forces all to abide by its truth, regardless of race or ethnicity. We need tribal truth, not the fascism of science’s universal truths. Don’t let them drag us back to the ideal of universal rights over tribe-based rights. Most of all don’t let them bring back that pre-1980s liberal cornerstone of oppression, “shared humanness,” which would be anathema to the most treasured ideals of wokeness: i.e., tribal bias and cross-racial suspicion.

Wake up, wokes! Liberals are out there, pushing their agenda (free speech, less racialization in our judgments of others) against the woke agenda (stifle dissent, increased racialization in our judgments of others). We’ve increased wokeness in newsrooms, schools, and elsewhere. We now need to consolidate that power and force people into vocal support for our side. Silence is violence. Demand vocal support for wokeness in the workplace, on campus, in the streets, or else. Criminalize all dissent as “unsafe,” as “harmful,” and therefore unprotected by the 1st Amendment. Get to work! The woke revolution is not as secure as you think!

¹ ”We are all active contributors to rape culture. All of us. No one is exempt.” (Damon Young, Senior Editor of The Root)
² “All white people are invested in and collude with racism.” (Robin DiAngelo, White Fragility).

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Borowitz on Trump 2021-01

 

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Trump Eulogies

Per the new fictional non-fiction genre of the Trump eulogy, here is my contribution:

Poor George. Sweet guy. Like a kid. Gee-whiz George. Couldn’t tell a lie. But the Brits were laughing at us. I love the Brits. I got Brits working the greens at Mar-a-Lago. Great for managing the shithole country workers. But they were cleaning our clocks, while Gee-whiz George was busy telling the truth. So I says to him, “George, you gotta storm the airports.” And he says, “There ain’t no airports.” And I says, “George, you see that crowd out there. Biggest crowd ever. They don’t want facts. They want entertainment.” No, Gee-whiz George could not tell a lie. So he had a failed presidency. And I’m here today to save his image by telling you about the great storming of the airports at Yorktown and Fort McHenry. And I can tell you, my friends. Believe me. Wherever Gee-whiz George is today, he is looking up and saying, “Trump was right! Thank God for Trump! Thank God for a winner!”

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Putin and the Mueller Report

Borowitz is always funny, but this is an especially good use of a found visual 🙂

Putin Almost Done Redacting Mueller Report

x x x

                     

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Trump-Sanders Debate Stirs Controversy

Donald Trump, recent winner of the Nobel Peace Prize for his humanitarian efforts to relocate millions of Mexicans and Moslems to countries outside of the U.S., turned to his real forte, economics, in last night’s debate against Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT and Democratic presidential candidate).

In his opening statement, Mr. Sanders began with a gambit designed to confound Mr. Trump: the introduction of nuance. Sanders remarked that the U.S. is 37% socialist and Germany 46% socialist, that being the respective portion of the economies controlled by government spending.

“Statistics don’t matter,” said Trump, “I’ll hire the best people to fill me in on all that after I’m elected. What matters is that they’re all a bunch of socialists. Germany is killing us. China is killing us. They’re killing us because our leaders are stupid. When I’m president, we’re going to make America great again. No socialist state is going to have a chance against us.”

Sanders offered that China was not Germany, and that the so-called socialist framework in Germany was a guarantor of middle class stability and prosperity.

This brought a thunderous rebuke from Trump. “You speak of Germany’s middle class,” he cried, “but they are a people without freedom. In the year before Obamacare, over a million and a half Americans freely exercised their right to go bankrupt or lose their life savings over health care. Germany? Not one person. And now with Obamacare we’re headed in the same direction. Countless middle-class Americans last year were free to go into lifelong debt through college loans. In Germany, none. Socialist policies force every man and woman in Germany into six weeks of vacation a year, where Americans are typically free to work 50 out of 52 weeks. That’s what you get with your socialism.”

Trump asked Sanders directly if he did not now regret supporting such socialist policies as a progressive income tax, Pell grants for college, job training programs, environmental protection, and public education.

“These are the policies,” rejoined Sanders, “that have given everyone a shot, white, black, men and women.”

“A shot!” boomed Trump. “Carly Fiorina might need a shot to get over being hit with an ugly stick, but for you, a socialist, to dare come on this stage and talk about shots! Every socialist’s dream is to take away our freedom by taking away our guns. Look at your beloved Germany. I have some facts, too,” Trump said with an impish grin as he pulled out his flash cards.

“Germany has about 200 gun-related homicides a year? I don’t see much free use of guns in that pitiful number. We Americans have over 10,000 gun-related homicides a year. Lump in other gun deaths and we Americans are up to 33,000 dead from firearms each year. Tick off a couple of fry cooks at a south side Chicago McDonald’s, and you’ll see as much shooting damage in one day as the whole damn country of Germany sees in a year. What’s an unarmed German supposed to do when some beer-bellied white trash at the Waffle House compares his wife to a Mack truck? This is America and we’re not going to take that kind of shxx here.”

During this harangue, Trump had come over and seized Sanders’s microphone. Sanders stood down and waited patiently at first, but then wandered off mumbling something about “Lil B” and “a Cherry Garcia somewhere with my name on it.” Let his dishonorable exit be a lesson to those flirting with socialism. What true, flag-waving American would go to Ben and Jerry’s for ice cream when he or she could get something called “ice cream” at any one of the three Wal-Marts within a mile and a half of the house?

And finally, as my editors have enjoined me to close on a “fair and balanced” note, let me say that I hope the press attacks and belittles Mr. Sanders for speaking LIES that would DESTROY AMERICA with the same vigor with which they attacked and belittled Mr. Trump for speaking the TRUTH that would MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.